at hand

write it down, get it out.
the creature steps in.
regurgitating last nights supper
the hollow keeps him thin.

wishing well
oh wishing well
where is the smile that you keep?
where love is really meaningful
and not the thread of lion's teeth.

buried myself beneath
allowed this circumstance to show.
i knew from the beginning that his flower couldn't grow.

alone.
with him and alone.

ignored again by computer's tempting gaze.

i could run away far from this place.

i wish to be above the water...
leave the drowning victim
in the deep

my eyes grow heavy
my frown alive
it's he who tells
the monster
where my spirit hides.

no
nothing
changing
no
one
talking
nothing
effecting
no care
nothing
ever.

i want to get out of here.
and never look back.

coming along.

alone again.
this time i wont display it.
this time i wont face it.
all that could worry me to nothing.
all that i really could care less about...
only that i would feel insulted.
these past few months have been a nightmare.
distrust.
drunken fights.
wrestle matches, not the good kind.
back to the same old demon.
the "circular"

the art show will save me.
my music will save me.
my friends bring me life.
happy am i.
broke yes.
worth it yes.

you refuse to see me
love me
to the capacity i deserve.
and alone in bed.
to wait until you're ready to come home.

i'm not trying to hold anyone down...
who knows where im going.
and you're everywhere but here.
and that's where i
would want a HIM to be.

beside me when im to fall asleep.
holding
caressing...
carefully removing the demons
from our dreams.

they say the talking about it helps...

morning.

eyes red again.
puffiness reveal last nights stir.
and uncomfortable veins
occurs.

no apology.

i can't help but desire the kind of man she has.
always attentive...
always caring selflessly.

i'm tired of being silent...
mistreated
abused
accused
hurt
neglected
...
allowing someone else's misery to affect me.

I just want to be able to sleep.

And above all...
I want love.

no one is perfect.
i am def not.
but there are boundaries that should never crossed.
and colder
jaded
lonely...
disgusted
i become everyday.

you know how to fix it...
but you refuse.

for the self is more important to you.


living my game.
i'm tired of death
i rolled around in it for years
thinking i had to accept
it as my
destiny.
it will come...
but inviting it i will not.

woman

i love women.
they are beauty.
i love men.
whose sweat makes me weak.
i love art & music & dance
even when simple
can breathe life in me.

i love me.
for once
and fear
in him
it sets.

she'd run away
lie
hurt me
thoughts
create stress.

and is this just a relationship test?
or a message from god to go and know of worth...
and what real happiness is.
let go of destructive partners...
let them swim
or sink deep down...

and my heart beats still?

the drama begins

that which he doth not understand....no. not like that. like me. again.

You're so dramatic!

yelling, fighting, belligerent fights.

am i a magnet for this?

those who wish to try and satiate my yearning for completion.

oh yea that's right...i'm a feminist i remember.

you don't understand so you sit and point the finger.

i am not claiming to be a poet.
no
i am not claiming to be an artist.
i neglect all the i love...
for thinking and worrying about you.

then one day said no.
no more shall i tire my friends ears with complaints of a fickle mind.
no more will i allow disrespect to run my life.
no more sleepless nights...
wide awake pretending to sleep
when 3 am he arrives..
if at all.

and sensitive and delusional...
believing i lie.
small things...
and then refusal
disgust
you're a piece of $%^*
and not my love...he says.

and stuck.
i am not.
staying not sure why.
someone who believes they are nothing
can never relieve their will to die.

.

Work routine

Back on the saddle...the 9 to 5.
Coffee mugs sparkling
reflecting
squinted eyes.

Staring at the clock
biding my time
get it done...
and challenging
i think not.

rambling.

during late night
he rambles
in mid sleep.
talks of video games and islands
where we are always running from something.
the only time we are ever
in sync.

i'm an idiot for thinking
this is love.