Not a poem

I need to start writing again.
words never came easy.

I worry all the time.
Spent hours lurking self help "life purpose" sites
gets you dizzy.

In the morning the repetition begins...
wake, coffee, work, lunch, work, work, work, home.
Maybe ill stop to run an errand or
hit the gym on the way home.
Then start it over again.

I used to dream big.
as a child lies flew my way.
"believe in yourself and the road is paved."
bullshit.

Opportunity NOW does not come easy
and chasing and chasing and dedication...
doesn't seem to change a thing.
Just struggle, blood, tears.
Cry out to someone, anyone who'd hear.

embrace me.
im yearning.
this artist inside
this pain is seeping to the outside.
where's my medium...
the escape.

just two black holes
stare back from the mirror
an unrecognizable.
face.

The Widow.

Spring has arrived!
warm encounters
vanish swiftly
with the chill of night.

Girls in their Easter dresses
walking flowers
bright pink, yellow and green.

And none of this matters to me.

On with the routine of waking
coffee stained teeth
monkey suited
Alas! The white collar dream!

Living for the weekend
friends sharing brew
and
ladies in their finest
dancing
to a popular tune.

I am genuinely happy.

Then the Alarm sounds!
Senses act as reminders
the lingering is my hell.

Closed eyes
breathing into
a shirt to sleep with
and pillows pretending
to be him.

All the songs I can't listen to
hundreds bring on the tears.
His ghost still lives here.

A Unified Soul.
No midnight stranger
could ever compare
to the depth
we once shared.

Am I able to forget
with the passing of days?
Will his infectious smile
ever be gone from my mind?

Faith and belief.
They chant out to me.
Learn from the good
of your unity
and trust your future
in the hands of the universe.
What will be, will be.

underwater

Don't stand so close!
to the edge that is
watching friends fall
from cliff to water
friend or foe may not have been at all.

Amidst the waves
empty shells
remain
of turtles that have died.


D e e p

dark water
the thickest fog
makes a perfect veil
for mourners

we may never breathe again
together.

We swim holding hands
parallel lines
cutting through silk.

confide and trust that i will save you
from your drowning.
the ocean is large
and hearts cannot have fear.

i will be there through every shake
and sing the siren's song
to comfort you
i will follow along.

fly

to whom do i owe this pleasure?
tucked away
inside
and underneath.

just knowing the right areas
to where the fingers reach.

he knows how to lure me....in
without a doubt.

plays my instrument
beyond what others
wish they could do with their mouths.

crisis...moment...
if things don't change soon
it will be the end
of our tune.

maybe moving you towards a better attitude
and myself
a lifetime of solitude.

never knowing
or growing
or holding
to ourselves
be true.

just focusing on the now. the moment.
he plays the song
inside you.

the brink

my mind's been going through these changes.
Weighing out the pros...the cons.
which is heavier?
which could make me happier?
which could push me farther towards who and where i want to be?
everything happens for a reason.
life, a series of tests.
test of love.
test of strength.
fear being it's foundation.
fear and faith.
Which would you take?
when love's right in front of you, do you walk away?
and when pain is the hand you're dealt, do you play the game?

not sure which road to take.
praying for the will to make the right decision.
hoping to erase the way i could see ___ now.

expectation causes misery.
constantly
living through someone else's portrait
of the "perfect" life.

------

at hand

write it down, get it out.
the creature steps in.
regurgitating last nights supper
the hollow keeps him thin.

wishing well
oh wishing well
where is the smile that you keep?
where love is really meaningful
and not the thread of lion's teeth.

buried myself beneath
allowed this circumstance to show.
i knew from the beginning that his flower couldn't grow.

alone.
with him and alone.

ignored again by computer's tempting gaze.

i could run away far from this place.

i wish to be above the water...
leave the drowning victim
in the deep

my eyes grow heavy
my frown alive
it's he who tells
the monster
where my spirit hides.

no
nothing
changing
no
one
talking
nothing
effecting
no care
nothing
ever.

i want to get out of here.
and never look back.

coming along.

alone again.
this time i wont display it.
this time i wont face it.
all that could worry me to nothing.
all that i really could care less about...
only that i would feel insulted.
these past few months have been a nightmare.
distrust.
drunken fights.
wrestle matches, not the good kind.
back to the same old demon.
the "circular"

the art show will save me.
my music will save me.
my friends bring me life.
happy am i.
broke yes.
worth it yes.

you refuse to see me
love me
to the capacity i deserve.
and alone in bed.
to wait until you're ready to come home.

i'm not trying to hold anyone down...
who knows where im going.
and you're everywhere but here.
and that's where i
would want a HIM to be.

beside me when im to fall asleep.
holding
caressing...
carefully removing the demons
from our dreams.